What are the rules to this game?

I surely hope this is premature, but I am a little worried about some health issues I’ve ignored for a few months. Of course, WebMD says I should have gone to the doctor long ago, but I have never seriously put any stock into the internet telling me the truth.

This time, though, it may be serious. Like life-altering serious. I hate drama queens, so I’m not going to go overboard here. Besides, I won’t go to the doctor for another week and I have to make these next 7 days bearable. And it could be minor.

First of all, no matter what the diagnosis is, I want to document what I am truly feeling now. I can’t rely on movies to accurately reflect life. However, I kind of expect a new love interest soon because that seems to be the rule, but I’m not holding my breath.

I am truly scared. Yet I worry about silly things such as, will I be able to play volleyball any more with my YMCA team? Will I be able to have a glass of wine? Will I be able to enjoy my kids like I should? Okay, that last one is legitimate. I always worry that I have screwed up my kids so much already. How can I minimize the damage if they have to deal with a sick mother, too?

I can’t help but ponder the whole idea of “there’s a reason for everything, we just don’t know what it is yet.” I’ve had a tough go at things for the last 3-4 years and I really think that inning should be over already. I have to be honest. I find myself feeling frustrated at God. I mean, really? You couldn’t spread some of this around? Even limit it to me, but over the course of a decade or something.

If need be, how in the world can I afford any kind of treatment? The healthcare issue in politics is an intangible thing that other people have to face. And besides, I DID deal with it when my oldest was a toddler and always sick in the hospital 7 years ago. I want to use my Get Out of Jail Free card for this one.

I suppose I should repeat the serenity prayer over and over again, but in reality, what else can we do? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m not going to pretend that through writing this I am not afraid any more, but I can more confidently declare this:

Game on.

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