It’s Sunday early morning, and no I’m not up early. I haven’t slept all night. I didn’t want to but for some reason I wasn’t closing my eyes. This gave me plenty of time to articulate some of what I’ve been reflecting in my heart this past year.
Recently my divorce was finalized after 10 years of marriage. We have three beautiful and loving children. While I don’t want to get into all that went wrong, I know one fundamental thing that caused most of the chaos and havoc that I am trying to salvage. Faith.
Yes, faith in God, but more importantly, faith in someone else. I mean complete faith. As a newlywed, I was all in: heart, soul, body, mind. I felt my marriage was created by God and the best way to show Him that I was following his plan was to be 100% into it. I knew there were no mistakes in the greater plan, but I also allowed mistakes in me as well as in him. Together, I believed, we could figure out how it all worked. Unfortunately I was alone in this faith.
This is what hurt me the most. I completely trusted my ex-husband to completely trust that I would always stand beside him, always be on his team. When that trust wasn’t returned, I slowly felt betrayed and it eroded many of the good things about me. I honestly don’t blame him completely because he never saw the reward of that life such as I had seen. I don’t think he believed it was even possible to be absolutely on the level with someone. To him, no one is completely trustful nor trustworthy. I really hope he does some day, and I pray it’s not too late for my kids to understand that, either.
In a way, I shouldn’t have put him in that situation without being able to talk to him about that sort of expectation. It takes a lot of faith in God to have that kind of faith in someone else, with no hidden agendas or secrets. But that’s where you find true happiness.
And I hope someday that I can find one who deserves that kind of faith from me.