Unanswered Prayers

Growing up in a family where we prayed together before every meal, I thought I knew how to pray. Recently, I have valued to process and results of praying, but not in the way I ever had before.

To figure this out, it approached praying in many different ways. By experiment, I prayed different ways and for different reasons. By theory, I read different books about what makes prayer so important. By listening, I have heard many reasons from some intelligent and thoughtful people why prayer is effective.

Many people abandon prayer because, despite the songs and the lessons about it, prayers do seem to be left unanswered.

In my head, a thought forms which in turn may become a belief.  I mull it over, I create entire scenarios around it, I create conversations someone may have with me about it. I am a blatant introvert. However, I have realized the evolution of my thoughts into actions or reactions.

Once I finally spit out what I had been thinking, I get yet a different angle to examine. I hold it, I twist it around, I get to see what others think. It can be entirely different from what I had originally thought it meant.

This is where prayer has recently becomes important to me. Call it meditation, talking to a therapist, or consulting with a good friend, being able to think about something on a different level is important for healing and making the right decision. By speaking out loud what has been on my mind, I can better see what I need to do. On the other end, I have heard others in their need and through no advice from me, I can see that just being able to talk it out helps.

With prayer, no one is talking back either, but I am definitely speaking out loud on some level.

I am not saying that there are unanswered prayers. Quite the opposite. God knows what he is doing and shows us the importance of prayer. And I do believe he is more than qualified to listen.

I Finally Figured it Out

It took many, many years to realize that I come across as shy. I always felt I was outgoing, but finally I saw me for who I really was. For example, I would be involved in a group conversation, agreeing or disagreeing in my thoughts and forming opinions. However, I did not always voice my opinions so everyone else saw me as unattentive and not contributing to the conversation. I was contributing, but only in my own head. Duh.

Even though I now recognize my perceived shyness, I still have to work on being more outgoing. When I am a major contributor to a conversation, I would say that I can be very funny. Or a complete jack ass, which is also funny. So it is possible for me to be more assertive.

And I do get things done. I have been chosen amongst my vast network of family to plan three of my sisters’ bachorelette parties and I think they were successful for each bride-to-be.

Moral of the story? I have a few:
1) Don’t expect others to be mind readers.
2) When they don’t read your mind, you can’t be pissed at them.
3) Being bitchy can work. Sometimes. It requires a lot of vocalization.
4) All you need is love.

That last one was just thrown in there.

What doesn’t kill you…

Recently, I’ve had a tough go at the game of life. It’s not special or unique, but it’s not at all what I expected. I guess that is life, though. While wallowing in my self pity, my sister called me the other day to let me know of things that are going on in my family. (I had quit Facebook because actually talking seemed to be out of fashion, something I didn’t want to let go of.)

Apparently my first cousin, who has had heart trouble since infancy needs a heart transplant. He’s in his 30′s. His wife was in a terrible car accident 8 months ago and is now partially paralyzed. He had been working three jobs, trying to take care of their three children, and basically worked himself near to death which almost caused him to die of congestive heart failure.

Meanwhile, I am wallowing in my own little world.

I know I have a rough path ahead of me for a while, but I also know that I will get through this. Their family may get ripped apart.

Dean, Lindsay, I think of you guys a lot and pray for you all the time.

In other words, life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, it might pass you by. (Or so says Ferris Buhler.)

If you would like to, you can contribute to Meal Train for my cousins:

http://www.mealtrain.com?id=mux7c7kjwpjt

Inspired by Music

My heart has been altered.
My motivation is intrinsic yet faulty
My family and friends know only a part of the whole story

How could I have pushed everyone, everyone, everyone away like that and not expect the results?

Really?

Sometimes I like the loneliness. Then I have an excuse to feel sorry for myself and feel like I deserve that pity.

And then I say don’t pity me. I’ll be all right. So I listen to the song and convince myself I can make it.

Sans house,
sans family,
sans dreams,

Never had I ever thought it would turn out this way, but who does?

I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.

You throw well, for a girl

A student asked me today if I was a feminist. I was a little struck by the assured way she said that, and I realized that I didn’t want to be labeled a feminist. I see myself a more of a humanist. I do not believe women are better than men, or men are better than women. I would prefer to be seen as a someone who sees people for who they are instead of what they ‘should’ be. I explained that to her, and hopefully she understood what I stood for.

I do recognize that men and women are different biologically, physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc., and that is what makes our world work. People should be a compliment to one another. Otherwise how boring would it be around here?

One day in class, a student of mine made the comment that he ‘hated being black.’ I was shocked and it took me a few questions and some guidance to help him figure out that there is so much more in the world than the little town he was currently in. Being a major minority is a transient thing because believe me, he could really make it somewhere. But it made me realize that sometimes I hate being a woman.

I wonder if sometimes being a caring and loving mother creates a weakness. Of course you don’t poke momma bear. Sometimes, however, the world make a mother choose between her own happiness and that of her child’s.

It is wearisome to continue to stand up for what is right consistently, day in and day out. Sexist jokes, discrimination, the double standard, laws that put all responsibility on women and mothers, and the society that supports it through complacent acceptance wears me down.

The worst struggle I have, though, is with my religion. I am not afraid to say that I do not agree with everything my religion declares, yet my faith is still solid.

Where do I stand on all of this? I must accept the innate gender differences, yet keep an open mind about how individuals may not follow these ‘guidelines’ of humanity. I must accept that I am a woman, with a tendency to let my femininity show without embarrassment. I must accept that I am capable of doing things well for me, not doing things well ‘for a girl’. And I must accept that others should be held to that standard as well.